Am betting by now you(Lovestruck buddy) have met Betty the beauty, who you can volitionally bet all your money on… Even further play her the violin just so she can dance to your tune? Or is it Beryl Bribe me first that you met at the mall — the same belle who’s bride “price” you are just about to cough out your Imperial Bank account leaving it surprised even with its current demise! Or should we call it ‘Bribe Prize’ ?Yes the Pride of a bride! Because for sure you are paying to keep her under your wings as you strive to escalate her to cloud 9… And if you can’t.. Just holla at Bro Ocholla…. Aloha!
Okay, this geezer.. My very Progenitor, says the only way you were allowed to sweep a lady off her feet and make her your caramel coated strawberry sweet Vanilla pudding was by paying her bride price… (Forget putting a 5 Karat ring on that feeble finger that can’t wash dishes because their artificial nails will be under siege.. but can indulge in cat fights and drill into your spinal cord during that powerful enthralling coitus! Yes, sex! ). All you needed was maybe a dozen cattle heads and she would be ready to settle for your head (the one with eyes) for a lifetime! Wow! Why wouldn’t i make cattle rustling my hobby in such times when polygamy was legal. Like i say… Why have Marijuana when u can have Mary and Jane!
You prefer ill and legal? Some will still opt for illegal to get ill…. ****.
By now it might have dawned on you that we are reading from a totally different scribe from my Progenitor’s… And the bestselling blockbuster would be “How to find a Sponsor without a Gold-digger sensor!” My oh my! This book would sell more than Adele’s new single “Hello” which has gone platinum in just a week! (she paid for love and love is now paying her). With a combination of such a powerful voice and unrelenting torments of the heart, the message couldn’t be driven home any better… I mean just when i thought i was emotionally stable.. Came that song.! And Hello.. If Jesus wept.. then i was swept away by my own tears even before the highly anticipated El-nino baptised my incarnation and washed all my sins away!
We are currently living in that virtual generation where we have to bring Three lions and a bucket full of crocodile tears to our brides home as dowry… Precisely! Its never gonna happen! And that’s the whole point! Because even that cat you are keeping in your house knows the “love you” hormones will expire in 8 months since y’all fell in love in a hopeless place. I mean look at this popular Disk Jockey from Kenya who can now be branded as the Creme de la Creme in 69-96 sexcapades… The poor guy’s “tools of enjoyment” have become the trending scene of obscenity and stupefying asininity. The way that poor pussy cat was being eaten.. Goodness gracious.. i almost called the Animal Orphanage because that was animal cruelty right there..on my face! —if not a cat with only nine lives surviving 99 suicide attempts in a romp! ..! And you say you have 99 problems ? Somebody call 911! But wait… They just called each other baby and even sedated their union with some ‘I love you’ injection that got me thinking…. These two mammals are After all, adults who might be minding their own business by manufacturing babies! Of course we won’t be expecting kittens.. Watch out for the quadruplets….! (story for another day)
And indeed no one is to blame… When love is at its peak…. Whatever you speak makes even knees weak…!
Back to normalcy…..
With much fervour they will shout to the core of their guts of how we should embrace gender equality but still they will remain adamant, and refuse to work to be queens and instead they will spearhead the twerk to be seen jamboree!
Hold your horses hostage for a while feminists, i got your grievances covered too… just in case am being chauvinistic. See we used to live in a patriarchal world but that is changing with the current state of affairs…. (i mean with damsels in distress deliberately hanging precariously on a “embasava/Rongai” bus window to book a seat only leaves one with more to desire in a woman!
If you are this strong, i bet the Women Trust Fund you enjoy is meant for some of these Ladies who happen to have grown beards only to be identified with the male species! Trust me some men (dudettes) can really be lame! Cant they see this lady is even capable of building a mudded grass thatched house all by herself..
Now that having been said maybe its safe to say this without fear of objection from the Feminist Fraternity… ****
Sometimes some of these females act like they went to school to study “How a man should take care of you” Question is… will you die if you take care of yourselves?
These are the soul wrenching fatalities that men survive in a bid to make another living soul have a life! Her name is More Money Monalissa by the way!
It’s after such a pandemonium of a revelation that men are forced to wake up from their slumber and play the game of cards orchestrated by the slug who would rather dig for gold without a hoe! (or as the hoe).
And what could be a better way to indulge than taking her on a date [again] (because she cant cook).. Look at her in the eyes, take her hand in yours and whisper those three words they fear.. “My wallet’s Lost”! Dude you’ll lose her faster than she lost her virginity, humanity, patience and conscience !
If she is a woman with any wit she will understand the message to have meant ..” Pay your cab, buy your weaves yourself, buy your clothes yourself, take him out once in a while.. you won’t die! “
(” chonga viazi” song playing in the background)!
She will probably yell at you later how much of a idiot you are for grilling her after she thought you were buying her grilled chicken! You’ll tell her to calm down but she will hear naught of it because she expected you to take her to cloud 10 yet you took her to hell and back…! I bet even the most ruthless and berserk of gods can forgive you for that because yourself, you haven’t been inside an aeroplane leave alone cloud 9!
See if you develop the ability to listen to anything unconditionally without losing your temper or self Confidence.. It means you are married!
Find a Girl that will grow with you… But most females nowadays want made men.. They will slander growing men for not having it yet! ****
You tripped and fell into a hell-hole called love and not only did you pay her dowry…the side effects are actually even a worse off tradeoff to start you off towards a happily ever after! (the price you have to pay) You will have to force down your throat the acrimony that comes with those venomous exchanges.
Tell you what… Someone you hold so dear in your heart could wake up one day and decide they don’t love you anymore… Its frightening you know..! So just sleep and snore soundly …. Why? Snoring is men’s way of revenge for having to listen to y’all females while we are awake! The torment! If you don’t snore you surely have more buddy’s around you than Ladies.
You lucky bustard! You’ll surely pay someday when you are married!