If you happen to be an extrovert, you tend to find yourself in a friend making spree with reckless abandon. Your enthusiasm to spark off conversations with people who might find you amusing is usually insatiable which then warrants constant friend requests on and off Facebook. The world however, does not promise you that the newly found friendship will be unblemished. Just as sure as the sun rises, you are guaranteed to wake up and find a stranger who is absolutely interested in your madness, sobriety or better still, your naivety. And they will go for the kill right before it hits you that we are living in a century you can chose to name, man eat man hellhole.
You can meet them anywhere. In a wedding you were tagged along by your wife who is constantly catching the bride’s bouquet right before your face as a constant reminder to you that her wedding is next. Back at home she catches feelings just as much. You meet others at a huduma number dispenser whose long queues leave them bored to death, only for them to resurrect and furnish you with stories about poor governance, Arsenal’s profound blue-balls housed in their trophy dry-spell, Pastor Ng’ang’a’s incredulous rhetoric marred with incorrigible diction, and how the weather is just perfect for planting (read mating). Because for them making a baby or two is dependent on the rains. Just enough wet to keep fertilization scoring the right amount of goals. Making new friends is just as safe as buying an elephant while you are drunk. So you will be forced to read a manual on how to handle the elephant you bought right after surprising your liver with whisky that has lived for dog years.
Making friends is just as much of a risk as walking into a restaurant and ordering a mysterious dish with a bombastic name thinking that’s a bomb meal, only to later find out it tastes like battery terminals mixed up with failure and hot pepper that makes you sneeze so emphatically, you can actually blow away all the weaves in that room. Friendships are not guaranteed. They lack insurance and assurance. If your situation is so dire that your adult status needs fulfillment from a dozen friends, then you can make twelve babies; except this time, you will have twelve little broke friends who will stick by you regardless of the shit they will shove down your throat. See, by now you will notice that you were only friends with some chap because you used to see them five days in a week. Maybe at work, or in a class you shared.
Whatsapp groups have become the modern era perennial time-bombs that hook us up with characters who we only sometimes see in movies, the zoo and the political arena. It’s a beautiful morning, the birds are chirping and kids who dread school are yapping. Couples next door are amorously sweating themselves silly; trying to evacuate the morning cold from their bedroom. You will not know how these couples managed to ferry the cold out of their room until you one day wake up and find yourself in a WhatsApp group informing you that the couple’s deliberate sweaty mornings and nights have morphed to a bring forth a healthy fetus which now validates your ticket to attend a baby shower. More often than not there will be a budget for such ceremonies and even a befitting present you should bring is rubber-stamped on your name because their making a baby has up-scaled you to a tycoon status overnight. In some cases, you will be clueless about how the baby was arrived at. But if you are a genius you will figure out that there was multiplication of testosterone and reception of gametes in a hot beef injection exercise.
Females will be so single then boom! Baby shower pictures with some drug dealer in a Pablo Escobar T-shirt. Being a girl is tough, you cannot vomit without people accusing you of being pregnant. However, the advantage of being a woman is that no one can surprise you with a kid ten years later and tell you that you are the mom.
Petronilla is having her birthday next week hence she finds it urgently necessary to form a whatsapp group that will be the perfect robot to plan and make her birthday a successfully scintillating story.
Next will be Martin and Judy’s wedding which they will of course be keen to plan around the period you’re paying off your instalments and debts. What’s more, you will be paying for your sins which will definitely set you back financially into a crisis that runs deep down into a bottomless pit. This will be the perfect time for them to add you in a wedding committee. You get a whatsapp notification and glaring on your face will be a modest group title, Ephantus and Nyokabi wedding. The elephant in the room is not Ephantus putting a ring on it. Ephantus is the guy you met in a voting queue last election and both of you were so excited to vote in Sonko as Nairobi governor and the idea of Waititu making a kickass governor back in your rural land. You two have not spoken much after the banter sparked off at that election queue. Now you are in another queue to satisfy his over the top wedding plans whose minimum contribution is 15K. What a psychotherapist never told them is that you cannot have standards that depend on other people’s money.
You are already cognizant that your attempts to leave the group will be met with raucous uproar and judgments presided over by moral rascals who sit behind keyboards and high horses of radical demeanor. Your leaving a group because you are too broke to contribute to an impromptu priority five cause is usually perceived as token of ego offered to the group members right before you send all the hundreds of group members to hell. Marcel left group is always viewed as a conspicuous middle finger to authors of whatever mischief is about to unravel within the group, save for the flooding messages of constant reminders about who and who hasn’t contributed shit! Leaving a group is considered uncouth and sometimes even ungodly. How rude; they will retort. You will wish you left them a note to advise them; Have a small wedding, invite 20 people. Afterwards apologize to everyone for not inviting them. They won’t die.
Friendships are convoluted sometimes. Sometimes they are contaminated. This then makes you appreciate the relevance of separating wheat from chaff. Nowadays when you lend a friend money, you lose the money and the friendship. Once you carry your own water, you will learn the value of every drop.
Sometimes we don’t check on friends because we know they need money to heal and we are broke too. It has nothing to do with ego. It is time you toned down on branding your busy friends ‘fake’. We are not 16 anymore. People have responsibilities, deadlines and goals to chase. Your rich friends and family owe you nothing.
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