This REMOTE Working Is Not Even REMOTELY Working

Work from home

It’s me, again, sneaking in here shamelessly like a husband who left on Friday only to show up on Sunday 5:00 PM with sick excuses, sicker than a Kenyan politician after spending one day in a police cell. Excuses like, I was trapped in the stomach of a whale since Friday and you’ve been “cutting waters” since then. And this just because your name is Jonathan.  Fishy! And in the spirit of prodigal sons, lets welcome Double O  and his news.

Pardon my disappearing acts, but I think it is of importance to let you know that no email has found me doing well since March 2020.  I swore I would write something once I fully understood the contents of BBI and why Kenyans think social distancing is hanging out closely with people you know. Congratulations, you found me in this abandoned space. Nevertheless, I am sure you are still looking for Mr. Right, that perfect man who will not give up on either love or Arsenal. Good thing is that you have discovered that he is married with four kids and on confronting him, he told you that he kept it a secret because he’s shy. Goodness!

I know there’s a ninja somewhere working an extra seven years to get Shantel because he was tricked into marrying Shanice who was not so nice to him thanks to Nairobi niceties sponsored by the Nairobi Nice City Boys Association. By the way how Jacob slept with Leah the whole night thinking it was Rachel still baffles me.

In any case, we have the pandemic to blame for our misgivings, strides and the discoveries made hitherto. Working from home has however been the highlight and by now, you might have discovered that we have not been working remotely; rather, we have been living at work. Of course, you cannot miss the bunch that could not do remotely anything because their cats want milk and attention like an Instagram-model wearing nothing but a booty, swanky eyelashes and a smile.

Working from home offers you more than you had bargained for. It’s not even close what I saw on the billboards. For the first time, you cannot fully comprehend why the human species gave up hunting and gathering to pay rent. Don’t get me wrong, having your own crib is cool, it’s the paying rent part that is uncalled for.  I mean, surely!  You wake up 10 minutes to that early morning meeting just to make sure you are on mute and your camera is turned off before the meeting adjourns. It also means extra time to move around the house in your pants or sweatpants unperturbed. Not panting because you are a seasoned late comer is an added advantage inclusive in the package and exclusively meant to save you the sweat. You will be frying eggs in your vests or sorry pajamas in between Teams meetings mumbling things like; I can hear you… but you are breaking. Yet in real sense, you are in the kitchen breaking your Fourth egg, which is the precursor to you living your La Vida Loca.  Later you realize that cooking takes like two hours eating 3 seconds and washing dishes takes a legendary 40 days and 40 nights. In my humble opinion.

This was the grand opportunity to know that your door eleven neighbor has a big nose yet you are the nosey one trying to unravel why Bianca from door 8 has a body that doesn’t look like a temple; rather it’s something close to an amusement park. You can picture her saying; You play too much Brandon. Yes I do Bianca, now that you are an amusement park.

You have also had the opportunity to meet your neighbor who takes his tortoise for a walk during your morning runs. For some reason, your car alarm rarely goes off because the Subaru guy with an ego bigger that his exhaust muffler is also working from home. Lately you can tell that neighbors are glowing because Brayo’s Subaru rumble has not been knocking them off their beds in the middle of their morning glories. They have been burning enough calories. Bliss.  You also met this beardless guy on your way up the stairs and out of curiosity asked what team he supports. Instead of saying Arsenal, or Liverpool, he chooses to say he does not watch football. Any sport? LeBron or Steph Curry? Nada. Come on! Even bras support something bruh.  You cut him some slack, because maybe  he will just support my business afterall.  You move on and wonder what a man who doesn’t watch football does with his weekends. Maybe he does his nails on Saturday morning and shaves his armpits in the afternoon to match his beardless chin. I wonder what his woman strokes during pillow talks when she’s just about to ask him who Samantha is. Maybe he’s the one who diligently offers the strokes. That way he’s never asked who Samantha is. Win- win.

Working from home is celebrating one-year anniversary unlike some marriages and relationships.  Marriages are on the edge because some masculinity coaches cum feminism detractors have just realized that their investment on marriage was a fraud. He got married expecting all his problems will go away and breakfast will be served only to wake up by 9 am and find out that the woman he married for the same job is somewhere in front of the mirror snapping selfies and making tiktok videos for her social media followers. Yesterday she made tasteless food, and no you are not positive for Covid-19.  So you tried to be polite by telling her that she is so sweet; sweeter than the food she made you. Because you are a lover not a fighter and definitely not a hopeless romantic. Romance is far from marriage, the two might not come fully installed in your relationship. A reputable news channel once published that according to studies, weed is not good for your heart; But so are relationships, yet we are here, still alive. It is not your place to understand anyone’s marriage, unless you are a counsellor. However, I am still disturbed by the sheer enthusiasm with which manual car drivers romanticize labour. People who drive manual cars think the rest who drive automatics are quacks. The same way people who wear wrist bands embedded with the Kenyan flag think that the rest are non-patriotic Citizens who deserve to be penalized by Kenya revenue Authority for filing nil returns .

How workplaces do not have midterm breaks is beyond me. Heck your girlfriend needs a break from her colleague Nichodemus who keeps tickling her at the printer as she contemplates risking it all and printing her divorce papers just to be with a guy that tickles her every day. Yes, good men who can tickle you a good one still exist, but your fake eyelashes will not let you see that. Sometimes you wake up every morning and quit your job then get ready for work. I also know some people go home late not because they are waiting for the traffic jam to wane, but because they are too scared to get out of parallel parking.

I have already said too much. I think it’s time to give my neighbor her nose back because lately I have been finding it in my business every time I try finding my remote to switch back to remote working. Also, allow me to get back to working under my blankets, maybe I might actually send some of my colleagues genuine warm regards.

9 Comments Add yours

  1. Kennedy Kathenge says:

    Awesome

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Marcel says:

      You must be an awesome reader too. You stopping over is appreciated.

      Like

  2. Julie says:

    It was worth the wait, awesoooome!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Marcel says:

      Julie, Thanks you for Finding time. You can bet I couldn’t wait for July for Julie to find something to read in. This space.

      Like

    2. lioneltendwa says:

      Amazing piece…. As chairman of the beardless committee i will not stand such five star puns though 😂😂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Marcel says:

        For you to have picked the puns through your read, you must be a puntastic human being. Tell them to pour you a glass of Fanta.. Or two.. on my bill. That should make you Fantastic now.! Thank you and I hope you grow a beard 😂😂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Nuri says:

    We missed you in these streets.. always a good read…⁷

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Marcel says:

      Nuri is happy and so are the streets? Well More treats to come. Thank you.

      Like

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