Holy Cupid! It’s that time of the(this) Month… Again! A day that the infatuated and smitten mortals choose to call Valentines Day and which the single sober souls call… Happy Independence Day! I couldn’t agree more! Neither can i overemphasize the convoluted emotions it elicits.
You and I are lucky Independent bastards who deserve naught but a toast and maybe a toaster to prepare our bread in the morning as we drink a cup full of our tears because we are Single and devoid of puppy love (Happy)! Could it be that we, the Single doyens, are unbearably ugly and only fit to be used as scarecrows if not an insult to the lightskin fraternity? Is it possible that our bodies are skewed chunks of an ugly masterpiece that lives off the beauty of sound? Are we the very endangered species who are the living proof that Apes existed? Did Adam and Eve have to eat that apple in the middle consequently denying us the chance of eating that same forbidden fruit that my learned friends call the “Cookie” ? The other day i bumped into the mirror…and we had a chat far from banter regarding my face… my flesh looked like it wasn’t trying, it looked like it hated being part of me! Could that mean am ugly enough to comfortably miss out on getting a Valentines date? However late? Okay Feminists, counselors and psychiatrists i get your point… Beauty is skin deep but allow me to add that ugliness runs deep to the bones two!
Its even worse for those whose attempts to woe the fairer sex have fallen on the rocks, even with the bizarre pickup lines they employ in their unremitting attempts to get laid! Seriously dude? You mean an egg just got laid and you haven’t? Okay here’s my advice.. You are cursed! Life is larger than getting laid…Don’t kill yourself chasing weaves and skirts. You need to drop those silly mumble jumble vibes and focus on dying! And as inevitable as death is, you’ll finally get laid.. to rest…with a punned eulogy that goes — RIP to those dying for attention!
Speaking of attention….In the recent past, it came to my attention that the difference between me and a calendar is that, that tabular array you hang on your wall has a date and i don’t! What makes my heart pound menacingly out of its socket as it bleeds profusely is the fact that even my smartphone has a date and i don’t! On a Valentines! Really? Could my life get any worse.?!
It was just the other day when a genuinely concerned lady asked me….
“Do you have a date for Valentines?”
So i replied…
“Yes, February 14th”
She then swiftly picked her jaws from the floor and said ;
“Who gave birth to you little savage!”
(Happy Valentines Mother)
Thing is… That reply came out so spontaneous and witty at that moment i couldn’t come up with such wisdom in a week! I went jolly. That reply hit her heart with the precision of a butcher! She was almost love struck yet i wasn’t cupid, neither did i have a big head to accommodate all that wisdom (The one with hair.. Crap! They both have hair.. Okay am talking about the head with eyes and ears and a brain you silly!)
Valentines Day is one big scum. If someone loves you, they should show you everyday.(*Ladies cheering in the background*) Not forgetting… Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses! (*Another rapturous round of applause coming from the ladies*).
Also read: You can never buy Love but you still have to pay for it
If you won’t be getting a gift this Valentines be glad you just helped some poor soul save a big fortune! You never know, the savings might be for that grandiose wedding you solemnly wish! Tell you what, scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive on Valentines Day by a whooping 90% — its called the Wedding Cake!
If it’s not Valentines Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start a conversation by asking… “What did you do?”
My thoughts and prayers go out to all men whose girlfriends will be on their periods on Valentines Day. The devil is snatching what you rightfully own as a bonafide user!
In case curiosity is choking you to a point of wanting to know what my Single lonesome ass will be up to on that trying day, here is a sneak peek… I’m going to to spend my Valentines with my Ex… Box 360
To all my friends who are committed, Happy Valentines Day.. to all my single “Losers” who happen to be my allies, Happy Independence Day!
Feel free to leave your Valentines sentiments and comments below