LOVE— A pretext in a text for teenagers to have sex

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Love is skin deep

Romantic love is a mental illness… But a gratifying and pleasurable one! —Calm down, retreat and hold your livid fire love-sick puppies … I am about to explain why…
See.. .Love is parallel to an excruciating backache paralysis, it cant show on X-ray scanners but its still there! 

As  a matter of fact let no cockamamie tales lure you (lovesick younker) into thinking that true love is only found in a Magazine… Heck I found true love in food. And not forgetting I love my phone so heartily because all my friends live inside it! So thanks devil, but true love exists! As a matter of fact, my girl(friend)  loves me so much,  she always tries her best to attract me to her now that she missed the once in a lifetime opportunity to become a magnetic device. The other day she wanted to effortlessly attract me, and your guess is quite valid ,  She put on a perfume that smells like a computer…and justifiably so, followed a toothy geeky giggle…I swallowed gallons of saliva almost choking on it!  Damn!  I thought i could flirt but that.. That was sly.  So dexterous was the situation, this same  lady managed to take  me to the moon and we are yet to come back back to earth for our valentines. Holy Matrimony! Honey… Who wouldn’t want such a honeymoon…!? Lemme guess… The astonishing legion of men who want to travel to Eritrea on a camels back, because the government wants any homo sapien with a dozen inches hanging between his legs to have two a pair of wives or risk being sent to Hague! Maybe bro Ocholla too, because he’d rather be in cloud 9 than on that moon!

Now if that was blah blah.. let’s skydive back to our life support planet like Najib Balala.. back to a land far away from that utopia we were wallowing in… a land where such love fantasies are borrowed from inches of our television sets which can give you up to 24 hours of pure blissful fiction dubbed soap operas!  What an emotional fraud!

So bogus is love nowadays… sex experts are under siege, working overtime day and night,    to legalize love as the key to opening a bra if only to pave your way  into her pants and excite her labia  minora  in an act of coitus! In a nutshell the word love has lost its meaning and degenerated into a panty-remover. Which also got me me thinking… If love is blind why is lingerie so popular! Methinks, you will be deeply submerged in a hoky-poky while drowning in your arousal fluids, if you will put your panties to the side just because a philandering dude used your anticipated three magic word puzzle “I love you”! Because naivety will be leaking into your brains, those words will become the secret key code to spreading your legs open to receive his junk as he soldiers into your genitalia like an an Al shabaab armed with a zillion sperm bullets in his bazooka!

Read also: Open books not legs,  Blow minds not guys!

If Albert Einstein decided not to kick the bucket, he’d tell you — Its requires not quantum physics to realise that this guy’s objective is gate-crushing into a cocktail party, sponsored  by your arousal fluids and his seminal fluids.  Yet, there you are….wet, Drunk in love and ready to dive into a relation(ship)!
But i wouldn’t reproach any soul entirely, if there is anything to blame for people falling in and out of love by the hour,  its Gravity!  Cheers Isaac Newton… Your discovery is working in shifts and playing an enormous role in populating the earth by getting people Laid!  This Gravity….!

When you are in love…. It’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life! Precisely… it is short-lived half life phenomenon! Real love amounts to withholding  the truth even when you are offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s  feelings.
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. I actually used to think “Made in China” is the common three worded phrase folks use, but this later dropped down the charts and now all chats are coated with a  squillion “I love you” (s).  The ones that write it as “ILY” should be barbecued and used as burnt offerings to appease the gods..because surely… Even the gods are appalled and hot under the collar… Infuriated I tell you! 

However long it takes.. Your gullibility will wake up from its deep stupor and immediately you get out of that slumber you’ll realize that indeed all All men are the same… just dealing with different Devils! I’m sceptic about Angels  living amongst us but fuckboys are real out here and they have a Motto: When they are not near the girl they love,  they love the girl near them!
Then follows the outrageous Kilimani Mums Rules: 90 day Rule , the pending period of time the man of her dreams waits to know the taste of that pudding she is hiding in her cookie jar! Or better Still, how hot that oven is. What if men had a 90 day rule with women where instead of not indulging in a panty removal hanky-panky, men don’t spend any money on the women for the first 90 days. Brilliant!
So preposterous is this 90 day rule,  a vigilante group of elite men amended the rules and unanimously agreed that the only way a guy will wait  for  90 days to have sex, is if the lady  in question is 17 years and 9 months old!

Tell you what… 80% of men cheat in Kenya… The rest cheat in Eritrea.
The lucky bustards will  find a girl who will tell them how interesting they are but these ladies will be cautious that if anything should happen… Then it would rather be sex… Not Love!
For the lovesick puppets i will leave you with a tip for free…. If you want to know if a man truly loves you,  Suffocate the dude with a pillow,  If his heart stops,  then it was never beating for you!
Disclaimer! —such suicidal sentiments are only used for satirical purposes and shouldn’t be used as a relationship recipe! 

My  geeky girlfriend (the one with a perfume that smells like a computer)  and I came up with an Android application that will let you read more of DoubleONews articles in a seamless perusal

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DoubleONews Android App

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If you own an Android device Download the App using the Link provided below (The app is guaranteed safe for installation though the Google Chrome browser may flag it as malicious since its not downloaded via Google Playstore)

Download the DoubleONews Android App here.

Feel free  to leave your thoughts below on comments section at your own peril.

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13 Comments Add yours

  1. Dayvid says:

    Gravity!! Really? That’s the reason we falling in and out of love? I like what you did there. The article is flawless. The point is driven home we can say its home and dry.
    But boy don’t you like using brackets.
    Nice read. Keep up my man. We waiting for more.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. itsmarcel says:

      Dayvid… Blame it all on Isaac Newton…. Falling into love is now a child’s play.. Tripping couldn’t be easier than that. The brackets are very deliberately to bring out the puns explicitly! and I appreciate you reading keep passing by you’ll find more to always read

      Like

  2. Suo says:

    This article almost made me go straight to confession chamber,openly say to the priest “I slept with a couple of your holy sisters batallion,,forgive me father!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. itsmarcel says:

      Haha Suo….. You should consider going into priesthood…. But in the mean time fornicate with utmost caution just in case you want to go to heaven to finally meet Eve..!

      Like

  3. harrymas says:

    Hmm writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um… whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. itsmarcel says:

      Harry that was very crafty of you…. Let me get my fishing paraphernalia ready to go discover those creatures… Thanks for passing by….

      Liked by 1 person

  4. mariah says:

    lol…the gravity thing was rib cracking..
    hahahaha smart.brain there…me love it Marcel

    Liked by 1 person

    1. itsmarcel says:

      You gravitational effort put in reading is highly regarded

      Like

  5. Wangu says:

    The suicidal sentiments that you gave up there ought to be the only way to finding out whether love exists… Nice piece Marcel.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. itsmarcel says:

      Wangu I hope you don’t have a pillow in your Room… You seem itchy for that suicidal experiment….!

      Like

  6. Maingi says:

    The Al shabaab thingie. That’s brave.

    And then comes the comments….you readers have it also. I’ve enjoyed whatever you seived from the prolific writer’s mind, Marcel’s.

    Suo and Harry….cheers.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. itsmarcel says:

      Maingi your deliberate attempt to hail my mind has been received with utmost jubilance…. You never lack a subtle plaudit to give

      Like

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