Controlling Your Anger at Work is Really a Job

We live in a city where the populace is always in a race to secure the bag.  The early birds are not necessarily catching the worm. The late ones are not catching sunsets either.  They are probably looking for fuel at their nearest Shell gas station. Some leave with nearly empty tanks and some leave shell-shocked. Moving around this city is becoming an extreme sport. Everyone is digging for some essential oil. You dig?

There are those who manage to evade the traffic menace by gracing the streets with overzealous steps. You would think “No Idling” posters have replaced the campaign posters, billboards and work premise notice boards; confronting every tax payer walking through those doors of opportunity and their next paycheck. Some have enough to sail them through the month. Some have too much month, at the end of their money.

The city is in a rush.

To get to the office. To show up in time for that anticipated interview. To hurriedly punch their keyboards hoping that their emails with missing attachments find their colleagues well, without dented self-esteems and ballooning self-importance.

Some were awakened by the crescendos of their alarm clocks, which politely reminded them that it’s another beautiful day; the mosquitoes are away on vacay and it’s now time to go chase clout without a doubt. Take it away Zorina.

An office is essentially a place where work should happen; you know, greasing elbows and sweating your brows. Instead, work usually is a place you browse and do online shopping, drink tea, or coffee, and make trips to the dispenser because you are thirsty for some office scuttlebutt and to convince yourself of how indispensable you are. An office is a safe space to relax after a toilsome night at home. You dig? (I promise this is the last time I’m letting you dig)

So relaxing is the office space, you can’t help but notice that the same people who were rebellious to take a nap back in nursery school are the same people dozing off in the office.  I call these peeps Super Computers. Nothing to do with intelligence, they just go to sleep if left unattended to for 15 minutes.  Wake up Onesmus, your snore was too loud; it already addressed the elephant in the room.  Please arise from your slumber, the elephant needs to be on its way, and your snore farther away.  These chaps are the modern day Super Computers. Nothing to do with intelligence, they just go to sleep if left unattended to for 15 minutes.  

Job-hunting is work already. You indefatigably look for a job and get spirited decline responses with equal enthusiasm as you had spiced up your CV.  The potential Employer will be even be kind enough to emphasize the famous empathetic words; “its not you,  its us”. After unintentionally embarrassing yourself in your interview, the HR will give you a dignified send off. They are so cultured in the way they tell you that you are unqualified.  The feedback will include something like; “While our respective visions do not align at this point in time, we look forward to collaborating with you in future.  So polished is their rejection, you feel like an elegant looser right after.

Those who got the job have been ordained to La Vida Loca of the corporate hemispheres. They have been taken through spirited corporate rituals and are now fully fledged Corporate Honchos. Your girlfriend Virginia who recently joined a top firm has already been humbly requested to stop calling him “Sir”.

Just call me Sam.

Now that’s something we call instituting a rapport in office. Just in time for a collaborative institutional monthly report.

Virginia is feeling at home now.  She offers Sam a curvaceous smile the goes all the way up her ear lobules. Ice has been broken. I wonder what will be broken next Virginia.

Let’s meet your colleagues Virginia.

Greetings good people, Hello please, Good Morning everyone, except those who cc your boss in every email sent to you.  How about you include my boss in the “to” section instead. Moving forward just write to my boss for prompt assistance. That will make the oversight more poignant Esperanza.

Speaking of emails, let us look at the various undertones in every email you read from your beloved colleagues.

First off; I hope this Email does not find you, I hope that you have escaped, and that you are free. Secondly, why are you sending me an email yet you are seated next to me Prudence. What a Prudential way to communicate. You might have as well sent me a letter through DHL because understandably your voice is too precious to tickle my waxy eardrums.

Email undertones are usually cordially crafted to carefully protect your fragile ego from the subtle Taliban-like backdrops. So harmless are the statements, they always seem to come from a patriotic peace-loving taxpayer who hums the national anthem while headed for work. Sometimes I look at emails I have written and genuinely can’t believe I pretended to be that Professional.

For those who understand that war does not have to culminate to the hostile relations that Russia and Ukraine share, keyboards are usually used in place of guns, grenades and guillotines.

A trivial omission of the salutation statements is often viewed as a clear greenlight for violence after training your fingers ready to launch the nuclear war of words.  Putting it in writing in a not so Putin Way.

Starting your email with “Perpetual,” instead of “Hello Perpetual” simply means the person being addressed can pick their greetings from their drawers or from one of their favorite radio stations. Radio Jambo to be specific. Using “Regards/name signature” instead of “Kind regards” is a clear indication that the person writing to you has chosen to save his Kindness for the heavenly Kingdom because currently, you are not one of their kind. Furthermore, they are clearly telling you that that they are not good at goodbyes.  Today my regards will be consumed on self-service. Please serve your regards as you please.

How ironical it is that “Polite reminders” are usually not so polite. A Polite Reminder is usually a mild way of telling someone that despite them being furnished with a memory only a chimpanzee can boast of, you are willing to share with them your magnanimous Terabytes of Memory. This very statement further reiterates that; I have noticed that you are very much actively responding to other emails flagged with high importance and of national concern but if mine is not in black and white, at-least don’t racially discriminate my handwriting preferentially. All emails matter.  

“As per my last email” is one well-mannered statement that takes the day in corporate clap-backs. It is a well-hidden explosive. The ultimate nuclear weapon that gas-lights polite reminders and please see attached earlier sent.  Technically, a person who responds with ‘As Per My Last Email’ is simply asking;

Were you not blessed with the divine ability to read? Are you on drugs Emmanuel? We know for sure God is with us but are you with us? What are  you smoking? Clearly I sent you an email and not smoke signals. Did you confirm that indeed those were tealeaves you took in the morning and not some illegal herbs? Do you need a few leave days to unwind and sunbathe your way into an abyss  like an overfed alligator?  Anyway  I will cut you some slack because I honestly understand that bullets do their job only after being fired.

While keyboards take a break, there will be another wave of communication emanating from the office microwave. Microwaving Fish at the office is top-tier passive-aggressive form of communication. I mean, hello Flavian, not to be fishy but your flavor in there is irresistible. Don’t you think your food is wearing quite a strong cologne that overshadows the taste in our own food. Please allow me to eat my starch with your aroma, which is enough to rent a space within everyone’s nose on this floor.

And while we are still on that aroma, there is always a substitute to that smell.  In the office, there are those who insist on hugs yet their armpits don the fragrance to a mixture of gunpowder and geothermal emissions. A very turbulent smell brethren. Thanks for literally taking my breath away.

If  you are not going to use deodorant, stay at home with your family Theodore(Special apology to my friend Theodore, just know there’s always another Theodore out there just like Thesaurus ). Work from home even. Covid has already done a number on us. Your body pheromone has stolen my suspicion because it is hindering my ability to smell a rat.

In my humble opinion, people who work in customer service should be allowed to fight at least one customer per day. If not for anything, to sensitize people on karma and freely provide people with a hot injection of their own medicine.

Indeed, every office has 3 people who do all the work and other 12 disciples who follow what is going on closely as they walk around with their re-fills of water with floating lemons and cucumbers as they float their (unsolited) ideas, weekly shenanigans and the weekend’s shortcomings. 5 among the 12 are the office DJs who always have their headphones loud and intact in a bid to help you learn how to talk to yourself and keep your nose off their business.

Project managers think they are friends with developers but developers don’t want to touch them even with a 6 foot pole.  Guys who work in IT  are always solving problems which after assessment,  a discovery is made that the problem was actually seated next to the computer accepting cookies all day and proving to the computer that they are not robots.

What are some of your relatable office antics and theatrics?

We took some (Quite a lot of) time to repaint, and refurbish this space. You will notice its dark environs which are deliberate attempts to paint the room with the darkest humor this space can offer.

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