Are you not enjoying the year so far? I mean we have squandered the first quarter of the year and amongst the things that make us kinky is the fact that we have three more quarters to dramatically play cat and mouse theatrics with our goddam lives. Excessive drama yet to go around. Which basically means that we have more time to break People’s hearts and get heartbroken as well. Karma in corridors knocking doors. As if the raunchy (horny)noises that come from your neighbors bedroom window is not enough, your eyes are fed to your beloved deputy governor pleading to be vindicated from his randy prison full of amateur “journalists” with Eight Megapixel cameras, unremitting karate kicks, and insatiable appetite for millions. Kenyans were picking their jaws from the floor after realizing that governors also get their banana peeled while oscillating the unmentionables and entangling their loin beards. Come on, even the pope takes a dunk in his royal toilet. Don be offended when people decide to shoot the meat rocket into the sausage wallet.
You are out here struggling to get into relationships while there are people out there in three solid relationships. Limitless love to go around. Love is incessantly flowing like the current Nairobi floods and you can bet many are helplessly and haplessly getting swept off their feet. Love is so easy to get nowadays, you can even download it like an app on your phone and spread it effortlessly by sheer double-tapping. When dating nowadays, you are not even exposed to the luxury of worrying if you are the only one, or the one she is in love with, you just have to hope you are her favorite. See, in the world we currently live in, there are five ways for a man to be completely happy. One is be with a woman wo makes you laugh, two is be with a woman who gives you her time, three is be with a woman who takes care of you (cooks you kickass chapos), four is be with a woman who really loves you (blocks you and later unblocks you because they have come to accept that you are an asshole), five is to make sure these four women don’t know each other. It’s the reality but that is life, you really don’t have to sit in a corner and cry yourself silly right after it hits you. Okay pardon my lack of empathy, you can cry child, if it really helps. Now wipe your tears child.
Sometimes you think the reason why you wanted to grow up so badly was to have intercourse legally. Not these hardships we are going through. You are drowning somewhere in a cesspool of depressing thoughts because you are having relationship squabbles with your lover. You will be surprised to find the staggering number of people having relationship problems with your sworn lover. It’s a mess. But who invented marriage anyway? What were they thinking? Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, I love you so much, I am going to get the government involved so that you can’t leave. Divorces follow because the man in that relationship declined to pay the salon expenses. If your boyfriend cannot pay your salon bill you need to find a job not another boyfriend. Notwithstanding ladies should not burden their skulls trying to look expensive. Don’t kill yourself for chris-sake. Men are clueless. They don’t know the difference between Brazilian hair and goat hair or donkey hair. Men don’t even understand the aesthetic value of lipstick. The amount of lipstick some guys have swallowed in the name of kissing is enough to paint two local government schools.
Men and women are nowadays for hire to suit the need and the occasion. Women, children and exotic pets out here are loved unconditionally but a man is only loved under the condition that he provides something. Girls want attention women want respect. Men want both. Not attention and respect. They want both girls and women. Girls finally get boyfriends or lose one and suddenly become inspirational speakers, yet they wanted to die just the other week!
People want that official relationship status on social media that everyone can like and drop their comments. Post fly left right and center that are intended to be used as the bare minimum for relationship goals. People are not looking for love. People are not looking for relationships. People are looking for a plus one they can use when they are invited for a wedding. If I ever take you as my plus one to a wedding kindly note that I will be attending that wedding with you as a deliberate act of chastity, but I will be there for the food. Please lose me and go catch a bouquet or even a boyfriend because I swear I will be thinking about food the entire time. And as I wait for my plate of Chicken tikka and smashing chapatis, people at the wedding will be obsessed with huge diamond rings, and a ridiculous love story to tell a friend.
People are busy swiping their news feed while trying to find their perfect match. People want to remain in their imperfect cocoons while giving themselves the benefit of choosing a finished package as their companion and nothing less. Some ladies feel like their soulmates will show up at their doorsteps like some pizza delivery. People spend decent amounts of their time on Whatsapp and messenger texting and sexting rather than having real conversations and actual dates. These cheap thrills exhilarate their adrenaline, they become jumpy just before they realize it was all a façade. Small talk reigns supreme in real conversations and then people sink back into texting for even more small talk. People will gladly endeavor to keep chasing love but they will not dare fall in love. They don’t want to fall into the bottomless pit of loneliness and celibacy. People would rather go with the flow, take things slow and see where it goes. People will be in relationships with one foot at the door ready for takeoff when shit goes down. They don’t have the patience to wait for shit to hit the fan and become two shits. One shit and they are off. People feel entitled to love and being loved like they feel entitled to a job after graduation.
With the prevalent sad weather around the country even more souls want a warm body around them, not a partner, yet all they could ever need is a warm blanket. People are tagging their happiness on other people. They want to find someone who makes them happy. But there is no key to happiness, the door is always open. People are fake and they will keep you around for their convenience and their need to keep using you. Some men will not know what to do with a lady who is not interested in his money. Girls do do not believe in shooting stars, they believe in choosing cars. Some Women will lie directly to your face and say “Nothing is fake about me!“ with a wig on their heads and confusing face filters.
Sometimes you want to think love is the seventh sense of humans that destroys all the six senses and makes the person nonsense. Love could be a fraud. Life is not a fairy tale, if you lose your shoe at midnight you are drunk. Remember, love is a soup, and you are a fork. Am no prophet of doom when it comes to matters love or life. In fact if you hang out with me for too long, I will brainwash you into believing in yourself and knowing you can achieve anything!
Ooh and one more thing you can download other than love is the New DoubleONews Android app. Download DoubleONews on Google Play Store to upgrade your reading experience.