She can’t cook? She’s a Rookie, Go grab a Cookie!

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Has the devil ever pulled your leg unawares resulting to a reflex where your lips scatter,  if only to utter and cough out the words “Can you Cook? ”  to a Lady who thinks cooking is Rocket science if not Organic chemistry? If your love for food is undisputed like mine… then i should believe you’ve had dinner with Beelzebub hence your valid reason to ask if she can play with fire and come up with something nutritiously edible…! However harmless that question is, some will still find that query offensively noxious and will not wait to indulge in obnoxious exchanges…..

After being hit with that question… Those who cant actually cook will feel like  they are being grilled for corruption or being asked if they know how to use vibrators stocked in the  Kenyan Devolution and Planning Cabinet—they’ll wonder why they are being asked if they know how to use the newly deployed condom dispensers yet they lack mineral water dispensers in their homes… And if cooking is anything to go by, condoms actually derail the successful cooking of a baby!  (You’ll gruesomely leave her “Waigurud ” because she is not a cooking guru). But not so fast Food enthusiast… Her bombshell of a reply is slowly navigating up her throat and it will catapult out of her gut with more venom than Donald Trump’s tantrums…

So she’ll  be on the loose and you’ll regret involving a renegade like her in such unwarranted exploits of your stomach’s satiation. Instead of outrightly answering your question as to whether she can cook or not she’ll ask you another rhetorical question… “can you build a house?” Damn! What a pugnacious reply! That right there will either send you scampering for safety because you will feel your ego mutilated, or you’ll be gasping for more oxygen because she just roasted you with your own gas!  If indeed I should know  how to build a house then  she should be the epitome of a chef who can cook me some soul food consisting of fried Chicken with macaroni and cheese, collards greens, breaded fried okra and cornbread… Ooh and not forgetting caramel cheese bagel!

But this hanky-panky of a to and fro  cockamamie between who can and who cant is just a tip of the iceberg…. The real issue here is the roles played by the very occupants of a society. Time is on a fast-forward transition and i agree gone are the days when a woman’s workshop would be the confinements of a soot painted suite with  fire corroborating it as the hells kitchen. That hell really made sumptuous cuisines and that made a mothers pride be justified… All hail Mothers food.   Aha! and thanks to the batman of the house for jumping from tree to tree indefatigably hunting for food!

See.. My Progenitor tells me they were told the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…(they must have put me into consideration… I swear I Love food!) It gets even more scintillating when she tantalizingly tells you “Food is ready but since i didn’t include any salads therein, you can eat me like groceries during our bedtime stories.” Good heavens! … She is definitely the one!  That grammar is way too well orchestrated for a romance thrilled Orchestra. You will definitely dance to her tune all night!  If food be the music to the heart..then it’s undoubtedly safe to say we eat to live!
This is the point you will hear old geezers tell you… Marry someone who knows how to cook— looks go away but hunger remains loyal  to your  appetite and you’ll will never miss stomach rumbling sessions until you are 6 feet under!

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Problem is, many of these 5th generation Maidens will  avoid the kitchen like an STI… Yet they will still fornicate with multiple partners who offer to buy them a large meat deluxe Pizza at a Naked Pizza joint in Westlands, just for them to later get naked after grabbing a few condoms from the dispensers at the the Ministry of Devolution to last them a fortnight of hocus pocus! The irony! Her kitchen which will only remain relevant to house a refrigerator will even turn into cockroaches Gazebo. It gets even more annoying if y’all married and she gets into the kitchen to warm a takeaway in the microwave only for her to see a roaches roaming the kitchen counter… She’ll scream louder than you make her moan in bed and that right there will punch your ego to extremes of being hospitalized!  How could a negligible animal take this lady to her climax yet you haven’t hit that spot… Geez!
Well, that’s far from the point albeit …. A busy kitchen will mostly be devoid of such “predators”  as roaches since it will require cleaning after mixing sugar spice and everything nice in the art of cookery that is usually graced with inevitable spills…

If you cant cook then what are you really doing with your life….?  Hold on… I think i now know why the “Waiguru vibrators”  were bought in surplus and exorbitant prices! What a tremendous effort to cause tremor within their genitalia as men bake more cookies for supper and maybe a nookie later.!
Oooh am being sexist?  Please tell me that your family has been going to Villa Rosa  Kempinski,  Intercontinental, and Hilton for breakfast lunch and dinner  all along then by all means i will take back my words…!
If you cant fix a meal then you should probably be transfixed onto a bed with a rope as i watch the latest episode of scandal and big bang theory because you are the joke of the year and am  ready to deport you back to your parents.! I mean..what mammal are you?  A duck billed platypus? Thank God you have a 13megapixel Camera to take pictures of cuisines in 5 star edifice hotels.. Can you even cook up a joke?

Buts its never a honeymoon with those who know how to cook either. Your Girl will cook you a princely luxurious dinner then ruin the whole thing by asking who is the that lady that liked your picture m,.. and put you as her Man crush Monday on Instagram 6 days ago! ago..!
I am throwing stones knowing too well i don’t live in a Glasshouse.. I can actually Cook! and quite a palatable meal for that matter. And yes i can build a house!

©Marcel™

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8 Comments Add yours

  1. Nancy says:

    Cullinary skills is a necessity. I view it as a plus.

    Knowing how to feed yourself is just the most basic adult skill every person absolutely needs to have. If
    you can’t even do some basic cooking then
    you’re not a grown up.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. itsmarcel says:

      Truly Nancy…. Some skills are inevitable if only to put something worth relishing, on the table.

      Like

  2. Maingi says:

    I tick any side box about food and dishes. Including a side dish. If Neema sees that am roasted with my very gas. But she better roast me when it’s so telling in the bed. #FoodPlus.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. itsmarcel says:

      Maingi please i hope she has never asked you if you can build a grass thatched house from scratch.. Of course that’s after her scratching your back.

      Like

  3. Arita says:

    And if you cant cook,you efin cant f**k!! that goes to the guys

    Like

    1. itsmarcel says:

      Apparently…. That is an unwritten law…. It can be amended

      Like

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