Undoubtedly feelings have had the chance to creep into your encephalon at some point if only to mutilate the normal functioning of your brains leaving it with colossal brain damage and the ability to get duped after clogging your noggins with touching love quotes…a touch so powerful, you fall in love head over heels with a safe landing that leaves your legs open ready to receive the love of your life! Of course he’ll handle you with tenderness… He’ll treat you like a kitten… and she’ll want to treat his dry-spell because she’s smitten.
Time to cast the spell…
She’ll offer you milk because you are that cat that will play curious to know how “cookies” go with milk. Then before you know it… You’ll have handed the dude your entire cookie jar with a gift hamper which amounts to 50% equity of your honey factory! He deserves better than a honey pot, she tells herself.. If anything he’s my honey bee…because he calls me his flower—his morning glory… And just for that, she’ll want to preside over his morning glory if only to tame the superfluous amount of testosterone he produces in the wee hours.
Then my thoughts stagger in… What could love be without these two characters?
Maybe..Love is a pretext in a text for teenagers to have sex..? But what do i know about love… Nothing? Okay tell you what.. For me true love is that feeling when a voluptuous waitress walks towards me with my order.. The sight of that food makes my feel good hormones break lose and my blood will boil to the extremes of causing global warming! I get too emotional.. Feelings overflow and after am done eating that chicken that died for me out of its undying love, i will ask the waitress to wrap the emotional moment and the feel good hormones i overproduced during the feast! She will chuckle.. But everyone will go home a happy soul… Now that’s true love…
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and say three times the name of the person you love you will look really stupid? No you didn’t. But just incase you fall victim..i can attribute it to hallucinations over random feelings you developed after drinking the strongest concoction of novice love. But its not entirely your fault… You can sue your naivety at the ICC… With the hope of your case being dropped because you are a lost case!
Where am i headed with this you ask…well… Watch me hit the nail on its bloody head….
Passion is overriding reason right before our eyes, and if you havent been a victim of passion then your hormonal imbalance needs to be in an ambulance for treatment! (am assuming they call you an adult now) How can you not have wallowed in the torments of this cruel world where passion is like instant coffee… You drink it get caffeinated and excited.. You gulp instant love, you get horny and there you have it, you dive into a relationship! Just like that.? Aren’t you guys gonna have a foreplay for at least a year? Don’t you guys want to get to know each other even if just for two years?…
But why am i being silly, isn’t it obvious people want a quickie, an adrenaline rush for the cookie! Forbidden fruits have this intoxicating sweet taste! Adam himself could resist the intricacies embroiled in that same fruit!
But who wants to overindulge in “getting to know each other..”
We are looking for excitement and thrill and the adventure goes as far as playing emotional crush saga with hearts and breaking them in the process. (but why would you give your heart to a buffoon with a functioning one!) Give that fool your weave, simply because your life doesn’t depend on it. Be selfish for once …but just incase you want to remain stubborn and hand your heart over, the blood is on your hands— now that you lack a blood pumping organ and for the fact that you gave that nincompoop your heart instead of your brains.
A girl will be telling you about all the guys that have broken her heart and you’ll be thinking.. One more wouldn’t hurt…because you know too well if her heart survived all that damage then your genitals have survived a pseudo-profound pounding *Now pick up your broken heart and give it to another loser! *
Then you can frequent Dr. love’s email with your love rhetorics as Uncle Ted gives you peculiar remedies to flings and your cockamamie relationship downfalls! But above all, they will inject you with the right dose of reality check!
The chase seems to be finally over when you meet the clown who understands your madness and loves you to bits and bytes. Their bites spills all your hormones all over the the sheets… Shit! It gets Messy! .. You almost wake up the neighbors! Damn! Love is good.. Love is Damn scintillating!
You even stop chasing your money stashed and stuck in Chase bank and you are just okay living off love portions!
You have fallen in love with a thud.! Harder than RAO fell from the sky or was it from an overloaded podium? Either way, falling from the sky is a good thing.. You undoubtedly convince folks you are heaven sent!
You can’t stop thinking of spending the rest of your miserable and forsaken life with your beloved trickster!
Then comes the mother of all nonsensical decisions to keep you guys locked to each other. Marriage! Are you kidding me? Or are you two just gonna make kids and divorce!
The courageous type will be itchy.. They will go to the extremes of the earth to announce their union .. They will even invite Al-shabaab and Al-qaeda just in case they would wish to drop some fireworks and make their wedding the bomb!
They will ring deafening Weddings bells over the ears of those who care to eat their wedding cake and you can bet they’ll gladly contribute to the wedding because they will show up for the food and the whooping amount of free nostalgia you’ll offer them after your wedding is done with! See i told you… There’s no Free “lunch” !
Two months courtship, a wedding one month later and a divorce case in court six months later… Some have even latest a measly 72 days! Ask Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries.. and just in case you think court cases are strange among people who took each other (seriously) to the moon(hell) and back ask future and Ciara…. Then you can face the future a stronger Ninja!
Marriage is not entirely the worst idea in all of the suicide attempts practiced in this planet, the best part of it is you can get into a union with a sane mind and live happily. High chances are you’ll have chosen your everlasting partner while your brain is on steroids and not your baby making tools will could have been on heat probably from the equinox, all churning from your blood-rush!
Tell you what… and its for free…Marry someone who gives you that feeling you have when you receive money in your Mpesa.. Or better still that person who scares the nerves out of you! Trust me you’ll even be scared to cheat on them… They better feel the same way!
And just in case you decide yo air your wedding on CNN just be kind enough to air the breakup episodes too on AL Jazeera just so we can get our popcorns popping from the machine right into our guts as we watch your life unravel right before the universe! Then we will not have to kill ourselves trying to investigate if Betty Kyalo and Dennis Okari have stopped trying to make babies even before they started!
You might also consider having a miniaturized wedding like Bob Collymore just in case a break up looms since you’ll salvage yourself from going into receivership together with Imperial Bank and chase bank! But who puts their money in banks anymore? If you ask me the only bank i need right now is a power bank!
As you strive to make permanent decisions my progenitor advises that you shouldn’t bank on temporary flings if indeed you want to save the world! They say you’d rather use Virtual Reality kits if you want to live in world thronged with fantasy, then you can later face the mundane!
Ooh and please don’t catch feelings if you have a fetish for weddings. I love weddings too… There’s usually unbelievable amounts of food for everyone to relish. (except Bob Collymore’s wedding) Not forgetting that cake with an icing that gives you hibbie jibbies!
I actually attend weddings too.. and NO! Not to dance on their Graves! I repeat.. i go for the Food! In fact the other day i attended a wedding and elderly progenitor of mine poked me and said “you are next” ! So i waited for the time we attended a funeral together and i poked him back and told him “You are next… ” Then we laughed our heads off because he once told me nobody gets out of this life alive… Because really, what are we..?
Feel free to leave your thoughts….
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