Now a normal (every) man needs a beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sexy wife, adjusting and a cooperating better half. The tragedy is, the laws of the state and stakeholders limit you to entertain only one legal wife! Even jealousy wont let you espouse more than one! (RIP polygamy team mafisi would have loved you the most.) Quite a melancholic state of affairs i tell you. Woe unto you if you have concubines and a truckload of clandestine clandes, the government will bemuse your house with teargas canisters. The smoke will elicit bittersweet reactions -City girls watching from the Windows of their apartments and bedsitters will charge towards your domicile convinced-beyond reasonable doubt- that your house is now a shisha joint!
Remembering your mama raised no coward, and that jacob juma’s legacy needs to be upheld, you will choke on that teargas and remain unshakable (the opposition style). Srikal will be swift to bulldoze your brothel with their new anti-riot paraphernalia but still you will not be vanquished!
Knowing too well variety is the spice of life.. you will continue with your hot pursuit of finding wives. You will consider wooing a sexy one first and maybe later finding one with brains. Then because you have jargons and an assortment of bombastic words stashed in your head and you happen to speak congruent English, you will persuade yourself that you are intelligent. Now you will want an intelligent wife.. You don’t mind if she is a staunch and fervent feminist!
I hate to be the one to dent your self-esteem esteem but you cannot posses all the superior genetics the continent has to offer… That’s why no matter how committed you might be to save the world, someone will still hate you! Just don’t be a crybaby, make more babies instead.. they might actually love you unconditionally! But that’s water under the bridge!
See, you can be deficient of picayune superficiality and weaves but you cannot just lack brains~That shit is catastrophic! And it’s not just me, even Zimbabwe’s very own Roberto who happens to be mu7nis role model will tell you that if your Creator gives you beauty without brains, your private parts will suffer the most! Touche! Give that nerdy geezer a concoction of umkhomboti Mukhombero and the most fermented illicit busaa… enough to give him a staggering lead in the coming elections and save him from stumbling on the red carpet again as he heads to the podium to offer us laughing pills in form of expletives!
My progenitor tells me ladies are supposed to be like butterflies, beautiful and hard to catch. But most of them nowadays are like mosquitoes, annoying and easy to smash!
Some will not even respect the fact that you went to school and scooped enough brains to make you distinguish between a hoe the digging tool, and the whore who is being dug! You will think you are miserable when your girlfriend sends you a text saying ;
“It’s over between us”
Until you receive another one saying ;
“sorry that wasn’t meant for you”
Then you will wish a mosquito sucked your your blood dry till you died! Because even your neighbors dog will have received the tragicomic news proving that b*tch has seen more ‘boxers’ than Mohammed Ali, Mike Tyson and Floyd Mayweather(don’t you dare miss the pun! ).
With gender bills being campaigned for even more than damsels in distress fight for the right to pay their own bills, gender equality couldn’t have surfaced at a better time. Buy your own fake hair.. you won’t die! Can’t you see i was living a fake rich life on social media just fine. Forgive my belligerence but i never meant to be condescending! Satire oozes out of me with a no mercy demeanor! Its purely art!
See, even women are natural born artists, from drawing eyebrows to drawing conclusions. We can be sure art will never die a natural death!
If you can shave your eyebrows completely and then draw them back with an eye pencil ; don’t ask for money to do your hair, you can equally shave your head bald and draw the damn weave of your choice! And for humanity’s sake, don’t wear the same weave for nine months — it’s not pregnancy for crying out loud!
All of a sudden, every dude that has retired from being a fuckboy but is still a registered hyena of the mafisi sacco (Yes its officially a registered entity) wants s lady with beauty and brains! What some haven’t learnt is; Nowadays it’s rare to find someone with a mind that is just as beautiful as their face!
Good boys exist, it’s just a pity that most of them suffer the pettiness of being ugly! But let me remind you, before you call a guy ugly just make sure 95% beauty cannot be murdered using a wet towel!
Yes, every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right Photoshop application to see it. Not forgetting the rate at which girls bleach nowadays, you might end up dating your ex without a clue!
But boys wanting girls with brains still degenerates to small talk – Guys will gather and play video games in a relaxed mood. The minute a cute girl ~say like Meagan Good~ walks into the room, the game becomes a World Cup Final! Every boy will want to raise the roof only to be noticed and they will even want her to raise their children.
It might be all fun and games till you decide pour out your unsolicited emotions and niceties to her just so she can be wooed to give you some brain! Then she serves you with a shocker! Her personality turns out to be so shambolic, so chaotic you wanna cry a river!
She told you how her name was Rose and justifiably so, her beauty was in harmony with her name. But her personality makes her look like spinach – Only fit to be green with jealously!
Makes you wish beauty and brains was taught as subject, as a unit! But who cares if school doesn’t teach us how to raise a family or get a job, at least we can find the area of a triangle and consequently get entangled in love triangles.
Just in case you are new in the d(m)ating scene and you just found you a Hellen of Troy, more so in Kenya, just let it stick in your head that Kenyan girls don’t see a candle as romantic, they prefer a generator. Brace yourself for the mundane
*Voices in the background yelling… Brains over beauty! *
Maybe if brain was an app, people would start using it! But in the meantime you can
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