Inevitably, Valentine’s Day is here, it is the very day that the “V” and the “D” come together with or without a pun intended. Lovebirds are about to sprinkle feel good hormones all over each other in a deliberate bid to appease the queens and gods of romance. Single souls are waking up to yet another stupor, albeit, they are glad they don’t have to pay a single dime for love to show up in a lady’s heart and sprout in their soul.
Still, ladies are of two types, the one who thinks 14TH February is a scam, and those who have a boyfriend. Valentine’s Day elicits just as much pressure as ‘the need to be loved’ emotions. This is the day when not just eggs are laid, people get laid after selling their kidneys to sustain the valentine’s budget and the brouhaha that comes with it. This is the day when the radar is on standby to test how many inches deep love is willing to go.
It still pains me that although some will not have a date on Valentine’s, a lifeless calendar will have dates galore. Fret not though, Adam and Eve never had a date, but they had an apple. Those who will be meeting for the first time for a date may later delve into the sea of passion just to taste the juices produced by love bodies. The 90 day rule will be broken and so will virginity. Love will again be tasted and tested. Gonads, Loins and gametes will not mind a phenomenal bonk. A guy will be ready to give his lady a hot beef injection and the lass will pop up divine questions like,
“Promise you will not break my heart”
And you will look at her straight in the eye and re-assure her that your inches are not enough to reach her heart. Before she gets the joke, you will be deep into striking oil. Ladies having their period on the day before Valentine’s are a poor lot because now she will have to go buy her man a present now that they are not going to use their genitalia as his gift. Furthermore buying a man a gift is so difficult, I mean what do men even like? Well, its crystal, men (a whooping percentage) like other women, kickass meals and good sex.
The most intelligent mammals on this planet have thought it wise to shy away from finding “their chosen one” and instead, their thrill emanates from the never-ending quest to impress others and themselves. The pressure to have a date for Valentine’s stems from a desire to feel like we have someone who deeply cares about us on a day dedicated to expressing love.
I still don’t understand why cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short chubby toddler coming at me with a medieval weapon. Valentine’s however, is a singles awareness day with a battalion of married men who are reminded what terrible aim cupid has. Then I also don’t understand why folks get sad on Valentine’s Day. A perfect day to get sad is when you run out of tissue paper and alternatives.
And please allow me to echo this here today, again. Dear single ladies. Please stops saying that all men are dogs and that you should give up on men and get a cat; if no man wants you, please don’t force an innocent cat to live with you. Ladies and gentlemen, be ready to kiss a frog even if there is no promise of a charming prince or princess popping out of it. Just kiss a frog because you love frogs. It is devastating that valentines will be around the corner and the only person that loves you is your mother. If you are single on Valentine’s, don’t panic, you are going to die alone anyway. Don’t even sink into depression, think of all the money and time you are saving by not getting a gift. It’s a priceless day for you.
Happy Valentines and hope you get some.