Drifting back down the memory lane, once upon a time, me, my folks and my bloodline had a life. That was till we got Internet connection, and that was it. We lost it. Internet smuggled our bloody lives into its space. Life’s pace was now fast-breaking. A menace would follow. Souls that needed a boost of their self-esteem were dire to indulge in just about any horrid act, if only to break the Internet.
For some reason, we are incapable of keeping up with our own lives and instead we chose to keep up with the Kardashians. Why? Because its gives our perky titties a sporadic attack of hibbie jibbies and the hope to live till our eighties set in.
In this epoch we live in, the internet is just as momentous as it is fateful (fatal). The Internet creates a fantasy world where even a fanciful guy named Ruto(Not his real name – okay his real name is Steve Harvey) will buy (grab) acres of land in Utopia , just so he can build castles in the air. Fraud will be all over the Internet. If you think Eurobond and NYS loot is scandalous, then you haven’t observed the biggest scam online. I mean look at University websites, there will be a slideshow of students smiling. What a Fraud!
So you think all these zealots in college are a happy lot? Unless they were smiling all the way to the bank to withdraw their loans, oblivious that they will pay it back with their kidney and alcohol processing livers, should they squander the money on Sportpesa or if the government fails to honor “kazi kwa vijana” initiative. Money corrupts the mind, more than it corrupts the Interior Ministry and the Deputy President’s office which scoops a whooping 51% corruption index. But before you complain about government decay, get yourself a girlfriend or a playboy and just like that, you won’t blame the government for everything! Neither will you use the Internet to complain about the Internet.
Social Media may have created an abstraction that disrupts reality and ushers users into a phoney sociological setup. Something so mundane as life has degenerated into a trickster narrative. Social media is now a shell in which fake accounts thrive and fraudulent lives thrive.
Even more people are signing up to get validation of their better lives from people all over the globe and you cant help but notice that some will even kill for likes.
I feel like in the near future, my kids will ask me where they came from and i will hit them back with the sly truth informing them it all started when their mother liked 4 of my photos in a row. That’s how important likes are to those you follow. Dont be stingy, throw a like someone’s way. They so desperately need it, they could tag you on their updates not forgetting your ancestors, blessers, sponsors and a thousand more retards just to collect more likes. Some will think they were bewitched if they don’t get more than 50 likes.
As if that is not enough, a Kenyan Lawyer will post a guzzling machine on social media and almost immediately, the locomotive will miraculously turn magnetic, attracting renowned female journalists who are nothing metallic.(save for the 3 karat rings and accessories they rock) But no! Wait, they are news anchors, so they could be metallic… Okay am lost in a pun. These same anchors couldn’t wait to get a ride on that new limited edition Range of a ride. They don’t mind if their sanity is taken for a ride and if such acts will make them break up with their ride or die better halves (ooh pun heaven).
Too many people are living for compliments and not accomplishments. You will be on Instagram raising the roof and no one will be home raising your child. Even more benevolent stooges will be typing Amen to heal a child on Facebook and we, “the confused lot” will wonder why we need doctors if likes can save lives. Jesus will be checking a photo on Facebook to see if it did gunner enough likes to save an ailing baby while again Jesus saves the names of the partakers in some sort of e-book of life up there. In heaven.
People will get annoyed when they love you and want to spend the rest of their life with you, yet you don’t accept their friend request.
Again social media will be a zone that zero grazes one’s ego, self-esteem, hypocrisy and bigotry. A friend of mine adds that social media realm is a hub that cushions cowards. Yes?
How do you explain finally meeting that lady you were crushing on way back in high school, on Facebook, only for you to discover her recent posts are tagged with an assortment of hashtags that supplement her ego and console her despair. You notice writings like #SelfLove #CrushingOnMe
#HatersGonnaHate #IloveMe (For King Juliens sake! Who doesn’t love themselves!) . After reading all that melodrama, you will hope she has started paying her own dowry since clearly and ideally she is a strong independent lady who needs no man. Probably still recovering from a heartbreak which made her swear that all men are dogs.
Then again on Facebook you will meet this dude you used to play football or hide and seek with back in the day. The guy is always nowhere to be seen. Of course the very first time the guy will write anything on your timeline is on your birthday. The creep will scribble a work-shy ‘HBD’ on your wall for a birthday wish just because he heard that Bill Gates prefers to employ lazy chaps. What nonsense! Okay Am curious, what will this guy do with the eleven letters he saved by not typing a befitting “happy birthday”….
Well, i bet he wants to form a football team.
You’ll think you have seen it all till you subscribe to the escapades of your friends. A girl you like will tell you she only has time for work but her Instagram and Snapchat will be full of mind boggling adventure. Okay i swear, people will put their every move on Instagram or Snapchat. They will post something like…
“I am about to plug my charger, ”
Then follows another snap…
” Turning off the the lights to save electricity”
Darn! Somebody turn the Internet off already!
You’ll feel played and left out but am here to give you an insight on the kind of people you’ll meet on these Social media sites just to help you move on and be at peace with humanity :
The Ghost “Worker”
These are the those spooky guys who signed on social media but never post; instead, they prefer creeping on other people’s posts and often surface online very late at night. They never reply.
Their other interests include, walking on walls, Facebook stalking, window shopping, and anonymous (annoying) comments. Only pets and small children can see these people.
The Selfie Obsessed
These peeps will buy a phone with the best camera the world can offer to validate their “SelfLove”. They feel like they don’t have a self without a selfie. These people will put filters on their soul, conscience and duckface.
Other interests include : watching a mirror for sickening hours, learning the angles that protrude their booty to its extreme potential, and finally they stop by ponds to look at themselves. Again!
The Goofy Foodie
They will take a snap of every meal they take at that posh restaurant and tag the location of that swanky food-joint. They will later ask you if you have tried that new eating house and you will be quick to say “Of course i have”. Just the other day i popped in and ordered prawns which i documented amidst drinking some cocktail and pulling my tongue out in those dog filters. Some will watch the Food Network or Royco fuata flavor challenge once, then they will post how they made pureed nut spread with a grape relish reduction paired with brioche bun.
Other interests: Tasty videos, brunches and food for thought.
The Animal Lover
You love social media because its the best sanctuary where you can show off your adorable dog or cat. Or mouse. Or fish. Sometimes you post a heartwarming picture of how you saved a fish from drowning.
You have very loyal followers who will support you and your pets without letting you guys down.
Other interests: Dog filters, Rescuing Animals, impromptu trips to the Animal orphanage and Petco, hanging out at the dog park, taking creep shots of other peoples pets and forcing them to love you.
The Adventurous Adrenaline junk
The folks love to travel. Heck these maniacs can drive from Kazakhstan to Timbuktu and back to hell while showing demoniac speeds on their accelerometer. The car in front of them is always a Toyota. The don’t give a rat’s ass if Snapchat warned them not to snap and drive.
Other interests: Using their phone’s accelerometer while on a plane because they can’t access the pilot cabin, posting a photo of themselves perched on an airplane seat or the planes wing so that the world understands how fly they are even without those chicken wings. These people are not afraid of heights and never chicken out. For the guy, the sky is the limit.
It might be a free world, free for all, in fact ready to accommodate every accepted level of madness, but listen…
When you are dead, you do not know that you are dead. All the pain is felt by others. The same thing happens when you become a Wooden-head who acts stupid. We all suffer dear spooky.
If you are not a rookie on social media you mostly definitely have been subjected to appalling expletives and posts that drive you bonkers. How you handle them depends on your temperament tolerance or your level of self-righteousness.
The ripple effect can be felt by anyone and even Donald Trump would be quick and ruthless to admonish such heinous acts with even more outrageous remedies.
Social media has created a jealous behavior over illusions. Sadly, some are envious of things, relationships and lifestyles that don’t exist.
See, the ones we love hurt us the most, but you don’t need to run to Facebook to cry wolf. Like i love Pizza but it burns the roof of my mouth but i don’t tell a soul. Of course i don’t die immediately after. Life is too humongous to break up with Pizza.
Ooh and by all means keep us posted with your Facebook love syndrome. Because we have stocked more popcorn want to watch your love uravel right before our eyes. We want to bind you business so bad. Or better still you can still find a lover, tell nobody. Enjoy your relationship in peace. But if you don’t haven’t found your bacon and eggs(bae) just yet, persue that soul you stalk on social media. Throw yourself in their DM and chat yourselves till the PM paves way for the AM.
Tell you what, If Microsoft’s Internet Explorer is brave enough to ask to be you default browser, you are brave enough to ask that girl out.