Looking for a Wife? She’s somewhere looking for Wi-Fi

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Whoever said technology will replace paper is some poor guy with a flourishing indigestion who has never  tried wiping their ass with an i-pad or an Android device… (Calm down Windows users… Your devices too cannot scoop that poop! .. albeit its Microsoft ).  Technology is here to stay just like weaves… We cant wish it away. It is inevitable and is slowly degenerating the universe into a Zombie Apocalypse thanks to  “Free” Wi-Fi.  Technology has made communication seamless and even further sprouted a staggering number of senseless individuals who think they will actually die of diabetes because their girlfriends revealed to them that they are sickeningly sweet! Not even the government is left out in such a mischievous parade of  gullibility — a governor in one forsaken county will harness all the nerve there is and announce to all and sundry that they spent a whooping 2 Million to open up a Facebook account! Damn,This preposterous estimate left me without an iota of doubt that indeed pigs can fly!

Our generation doesn’t knock on doors,  we call or text to let you know we are outside! less sleazy and easy (Ps. If you knock my door and i say “yes” that doesn’t mean you are allowed to come in..!It means you should explain yourself at the door before  i can let you in and pour you a glass of the blood of my enemies. )
There’s nothing more gratifying than opening that door only to find that same Damsel who has a bigger brain than her booty but still manages to carry around that superfluous posterior within her voluptuousness! Guaranteed goodness!
Then there are these other ones……..
People who will come to your house and before they can say “Hello”  they  will be ask you for your Wi-Fi password. (Okay i get it, you are not Adele, you don’t have sing “hello” to solicit a hokey mawkish grand entrance into my  hellhole… but  my friend, what you need is a wifey to make more  bimbo  zombie babies like you! or you can better still pretend to be  good wife.) As if that is not enough madness, these same buffoons will be on the lose scampering all over the house unplugging your smartphone and looking for an extra charger and sockets to charge their “Dumbphone” and  a completely broke  powerbank…!  That better not be the only bank you can refill!
No horror Movie can surpass the sensation of such people touching their pockets and missing their phones! They will turn suicidal! Then it finally sinks into your noggin how blessed you are to have phoney friends who are more acquainted to their phone than the sight of your ogre crafted ugly face.. But they can stand you freaking the serpent out of them because you have free Wi-Fi.
Woe unto you if you have a sizable mirror transfixed anywhere in your house…. The house will turn into a photo studio  with make up kits being unleashed on the spot—making you wish you walked with a pair of scissors or a machete to trim your bearded bushy,  acne blemished face  anytime there was a mirror in sight!
See Neil Armstrong went to the moon and took only 5 photos…. You just went to a public loo and you want to take 49 photos? How did you even manage to escape the zoo…!Am not calling anyone Ugly, but the advantage of being ugly is, your  phone battery lasts longer. So let’s strive to wear less  Makeup  and only then will we save the planet and our phone batteries will not exhibit premature deaths!

Men are on the hunt… and you can best believe getting wifed takes more than just having a cunt!   You’ll definitely know she’s from the darkside when as soon as she walks through the door the first thing she’ll  want is Wi-Fi! The very Moment she notices you don’t have Netflix (yet it has already been launched in Africa Kenya ) she will reject your chilled Champagne and sulk   like a bambino  that has been denied  Titty(s) because she’s here for “Netflix and Chill”.Bloody hell..!  Who sent you little champ!   By now you will be sweating so profusely and your anger will  have  a profound twist , because you will not manage to turn her on like earlier anticipated!  So the only thing you get to turn on will be the fan you recently purchased and you will not care if this lightskin who happens to be slender floats all over the room as the fun blows her out of the relationship all together. What are you saying? Technology will my undoing!?
Now that you asked… I will never be enormously and amorously  scintillated by technology until i can download Food! Taking pictures of your food and accumulating them in a snapchat story doesn’t satiate the sanguine and genuine prospect of food download technology that I envision.
If you spontaneously grab their phone and they fight (pull out a gun on ) you, just accept you are single and stop wasting your dime time.
In this Whatsapp epoch where you can hide your last seen better than your sins,  communication is headed for damnation!   He’s online, she’s online, Pride is Online and nobody wants to start the conversation!

Well you could argue that the best things in life are free … but don’t let free Wi-Fi be the reason you precariously hang on your neighbors roof chimney risking being  covered in soot(because you  are proudly made of black) while siphoning their Internet. You better be streaming the latest episode of Scandal or The Originals and not using that Wireless Fidelity  to propagate your very infidelity! Speaking of Loyalty …. If a cheater says i won’t cheat on you again.. What they really mean is — I slipped,  but next time you won’t catch me!

But if you are still in hot pursuit of a wife never despair even when it comes to a point of desperation… Just furnish your house with Netflix,  Wi-Fi and a gazillion Mirrors(You living in a glasshouse will be an added advantage)
Iam fully aware some marriages start with a hotblooded, drippy  “Will you marry me”  and others kick off with “I missed my period” but i beg to beseech  guys to marry a smart wife, if not for anything, but just to send your kids to them with those difficult assignments they bring home.
Again please.. don’t tell any oxygen guzzling soul that your girlfriend is beautiful if you haven’t seen her without Makeup.

Feel free to leave your comments and sentiments below..!

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28 Comments Add yours

  1. Rachael Samuel says:

    So interesting….keep up Marcel on writing the article so that I can read them more

    Liked by 1 person

    1. itsmarcel says:

      I appreciate you passing by…. Keep reading

      Like

  2. Hii wifi btw inakuanga nini, huku ocha wifi najua ni bibi tu

    Like

    1. itsmarcel says:

      Wi-Fi is what technology gurus call Wireless Fidelity!

      Like

      1. Petro says:

        Soon to be wireless infidelity

        Liked by 1 person

      2. itsmarcel says:

        And just like that you’ll plunge into infidelity infinitely

        Like

  3. Doatee says:

    but don’t let free Wi-Fi be the reason you precariously hang on your neighbors roof chimney risking being covered in soot(because you are proudly made of black) while siphoning their Internet. You better be streaming the latest episode of Scandal or The Originals and not using that Wireless Fidelity to propagate your very infidelity!
    Boy. No mercy I see. Well they ain’t dishing out any themselves. Hack away bro. This is good

    Like

    1. itsmarcel says:

      Thanks for passing by my chimney…… I hope you haven’t hacked my Wi-fi just yet because i know you can! #Techie

      Like

  4. Wangu says:

    Your a true friend of the truth Marcel!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. itsmarcel says:

      Look at how you’ve cleverly put that …. you are truly a friend of art…. Keep digging keep reading… the truth is always therein..

      Like

  5. Erick says:

    haha Marcel this kind of articles make My night,!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. itsmarcel says:

      You visit is always anticipated and very much appreciated

      Like

  6. Maingi says:

    I didn’t blink an eye all through. So smart you are. Almost admitting you are smarter. Hhaaa.
    Am compelled to give you an appraisal and that boils down to writing aggrandizement. All hail you boy.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. itsmarcel says:

      Maingi your entry into the comments section is always graced with pompous remarks that would actually lure me into thinking I am Albert Einstein…. Plausible my fellow literary enthusiast….

      Like

  7. Suo says:

    “My wife is beautifully,,I met her on a rainy day”….nyc article man

    Liked by 1 person

    1. itsmarcel says:

      Suo congratulations… Now you can enjoy hot showers with your wife without doubting your life choices! I appreciate you passing by…

      Like

  8. Petro says:

    The age of netflix and chill has began :3

    Liked by 1 person

    1. itsmarcel says:

      Indeed it’s time for its materialization now that it has has been unveiled on our doorsteps and soon all homes will be overhauled into a movie Theater

      Like

  9. angie says:

    What an article Marcel…uve gat a talent ryt there,I MUST say.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. itsmarcel says:

      Angie call me crafty with that art i put in articles…. Cheers to you finding time to read

      Like

  10. Damaris says:

    hehe am beginning to love this already

    Liked by 1 person

    1. itsmarcel says:

      Keep reading more of that…. Your perusal and feedback is very much appreciated…

      Like

  11. henryonyangojnr says:

    Sasa Marcel,tukuwe tu serious…story na window users imeingilia wapi?..and why are we in brackets?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. itsmarcel says:

      Haha… I never knew you’d read this…. Its so unfortunate the shoes fit… But don’t feel marginalized i still use Windows on my computer so am part of that bracket … So its a Win for both of us!

      Liked by 1 person

  12. mariah says:

    haha…the smart brain as always…i love your thing…
    big up pal…its worth.

    Liked by 1 person

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