If you follow me and I follow you back, just know at some point in that relationship i will spam your page with ‘LIKES’. Like i just won a lottery and I’m just about to pay your dowry! Please don’t be offended or think I am thirsty dear Lass…I’m not a sperm donor I’m just trying to donate some InstaLove… So they call it. By all means you can take a screenshot and later give me a shout out for the incessant likes… Like i hit the G-spot on each of your snapshots. Forgive me… I intended to only hit the like button! Not to unbutton your top to have a better view of your bosoms. If i gave you the impression that i want to eat your booty like groceries then alas! Am no Vegetarian dear Lass…put you ass back on that seat!
Likes have become such a fuss, some cant help it but put a gun on your head with their ass just so you can loose your noggins and in the process like their pictures… Because if you don’t, you will be flashed down a toilet. (Hello unfollow button..? Did you have to replace my toilet flash trigger? Wait.. don’t pull the trigger yet… I will like all your pics even those that freak the brains out of my head! ).
She has had enough of me NOT liking her over-filtered photos (that’s why i did not recognize her face in the first place).. so she goes ahead and unfollows! Damn! Poor me…! My likes won’t count anymore… But wait… She unfollowed me and i didn’t die? Holy Mosquito! Isn’t that way too awesome…? I still gat a bloody life!
Tell that female Anopheles Mosquito to come have another sanguine Wine drink on me! Because am still full of life… Ain’t you? Even after losing all the followers you invested all your photos on?
Welcome to Instagram accounts where you can have upto 10K followers and still be broke in real life….! Makes you wish you chopped all those heads and put them in your Imprerial bank account.. (chop my money playing in the background 🎧🎧🎼🎼) but you are not a radical like Moses Kuria to go to such extremes of advocating for the butchering of folks who don’t like your photos…. Furthermore you don’t want to turn your Instagram account into a slaughterhouse no matter how hard up, bankrupt and jobless you are…. Because you are sure you wont die since you’ll be eating a plate full of likes everyday… or is it any day?
Do your parents actually know you are Rich on Instagram and penniless in the Genuine world? The other day i met a damsel in distress drowning in tears she had borrowed from a crocodile… (she was actually crying a river) because her Instagram photo had not hit the 100 likes threshold! Poor her… Her makeup was already washed away by the gallons of tears wetting her face..! Her sins weren’t washed away though… They remained intact…! Calm you beauty down! … A cat has 9 lives and we all have 99 problems…. Your life cant possibly be 100 all the time!
See the Pope graced Kenya’s meadows and what most, if not all and Sundry could see from their Windows, is the Pope’s shadows of Humility…. Still on that religious mood, allow me to add that Jesus had only 12 followers (Not on Instagram you Moron! ) yet He was the Son of God! You are the son of the devil and you want all the Termites Ants and the Bees to follow you because you like honey and your deodorant smells like a flower? You are such a beehive!
Ooooh and its also Okay posting those ‘expensive’ toys you posses, which end up possessing you…like posting pictures with a Jameson bottle held firm on your toes( Yes Toes! You’ll be too drunk to notice) like you’ll be held hostage by bouncers if don’t drink your liquor stealthily. I actually thought the slogan excessive consumption of alcohol is harmful to your health was replaced by, You’ll be arrested if you drink Jameson unnoticed.. Or if you fail to post photos of the same on Instagram and snapchat!
The other day i posted a picture of my cheap wrist watch on a social media site… My oh my! that did not go unnoticed, some were even perturbed! …. Especially by those affluent sponsors who own overpriced watches. So a counter came… A more expensive watch was thrown on my face..! Wow….! Well.. can i have it? No! Okay i got words for you… No matter how expensive your wrist watch is…as long as it won’t tell you Christ’s second coming, it’s as useless as the the P in the word Psycho! Uuuumh .. Sorry i forgot… It can actually tell you your time of death!
And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse…. There’s a Missy Dude who has posted 12 pictures of different guys ladies on Instagram with the caption “My other half” Gasp! You must be a very large Pizza! but that is none of my business.
Instagram has become larger than life an application, it actually has a tracker, (just in case you’ve lost your followers and you don’t want to report it to the cops just yet) the tracker monitors your followers and immediately your Mum, Dad and your bull dog unfollows you… You get to know pronto! Then u also smack their face with a whooping Unfollow! You were unfair to the Dog though!
Got me thinking… So you have time to monitor followers /unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and i just have one… Wait… Two, I have two kids.
But still on the flip side Instagram will be overhauled by Santa and will have loads of Christmas documentaries to grace your profile just incase your Xmas turns out a flop!( Double standards apply!) Ladies Just don’t break your legs trying to pop your ass out of your pelvic bones!
For the Dudettes … Are you bored? Not getting enough attention on instagram? Find a group of 4 girls on Instagram and comment. “You 3 look incredible and Lusciously beautiful”
They call themselves phone Addicts… More like.. “Likes Addicts” These type will wake up from 6 months Comma surrounded by family and a dozen instagram followers their first question will be… “Where’s my phone!? ”
Your phone is in ICU.. Its fighting for its life for failing to get enough likes notifications from instagram! Do you want to check your instagram likes so far till you pass out?! Again?!
Please don’t forget to like my pictures on Instagram… #FollowForFollow #unfollowforUnfollow i got the app! Crap! Dear socialite wannabe please get your shit together and follow your dreams… Or just take a nap!