OPEN BOOKS NOT LEGS… BLOW MINDS NOT GUYS!

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If you really want to hide your “Last seen”  on Whatsapp I’d suggest you hide it in a Book…. Thats the last place these thirsty, dryspell-stricken lotharios will check!  Where would they get the time to open up a book if they are busy chasing after skirts to book for a coitus session in their bedbug infested bedsitter, whose Meadows can only be referred to as “Muliro Gardens! “?
Are you still wondering why the simple task of  using  cleverly contrived pickup lines to woo a damsel still remain a menace to many Lads? Simple… These guys would rather read  ladies bodies in brail for arousal… than indulge their brains in some serious literary perusal…
And  they will go about the streets ready to take any lass they find astonishingly Luscious for a treat… Woe unto you if the lady is oozing with brains and your English becomes the main rationale that wakes Shakespeare from his stupor and probably from the dead because you have been working in shifts to kill English and bury it altogether. So the lady will be modest enough to finally ask… “Where did your English went?”  because  by now it’s only but crystal clear that she is on that date for the food and nothing else… So no amount of blathered banter would actually make the situation catastrophic since after all she has nothing to lose…. In fact she needs you to get Lost pronto! Penguins of Madagascar can do better Grammer!
****

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The reading culture is less glorified in this epoch thanks to the Brobdingnagian amount of time folks spend to take photos and filter them with the hope of looking like  Helen of Troy only to end up looking like the goddess of Halloween…. (i think if i had a makeup store the stock would be sold out everyday anyday).. Do some of these chics actually apply all the content in a makeup kit at a go? because  the other day i met this lady and and her face was all powdered up you’d think she is sponsored by a Cement Factory! As if that is not enough..you know the girl and she takes a dive onto your chest leaving a cloud of dust (face powder) particles escaping into thin air… You wish the powder took you with it… Then follows the dreaded pecks that leave all manner of paintings on your face and white shirt.. …(You silently curse.. who invented lipstick!) Then because you cant take it anymore you tell her… “Excuse me…i think you need a mirror because you have a face on your makeup!!

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You cant wait to get home  to have a shower and scrub it all off with the new brush you will buy while doing your shopping at a mall that will have onlookers thinking you are advertising the  makeup varieties stocked in your stall..

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Back to opening books…. (bottles?) …..(Note: Facebook is not even a book)  but you will find all these attention-craving feigned folks spending their entire day  trying to show the whole world how their livers have incessantly survived seizures by processing alcohol without malfunctioning…. So they will take pictures holding ciroc bottles some Hennessey and they will say.. “but do i say” … (some even take a picture of their receipt to prove their affluence.. Bill gates should just flash these types down the toilet)   Maybe am trying to be poetic but then that’s an Odyssey to ponder all the same…! They live their lives in bottles… It becomes even more torturous to peeresses since however priceless they are crafted, alcohol makes them wallow right onto the phalluses they’ve been trying to avoid.  Girly Girl… You just got swallowed like a marshmallow because you were in a frenzy to take some local brew…. Or is it gurana or  Blackice?  (Play that “Mollis”  audio clip again and fathom what alcohol can do to a gentlewoman). This is the point a smart lady will blatantly tell you how alcohol is their Achilles heels with  inclined thoughts of declining free booze  since they know for sure Alcohol makes their legs misbehave… So you ponder.. how? … “They make you Stagger?”  you ask…. And she says… “No,  they spread!”  Holly Ant!  A philanderer will exclaim… because he just missed the opportunity to get laid on the day he got paid to buy her a drink!

Dozens of fellas are scrambling to get into a relationship so i cant help but wonder if there’s free food in those ships called relation… Am still dumbfounded… My Tissue paper actually lasts longer than these relationships. A guy will fake it all to blow a Girls mind if not sweep her off her feet with an ardent hope that she will blow him!  And if rejected he’ll yell… “what a blow!” The guy might probably be a thin guy–so you do your maths and conclude… No sooner had he got into a commitment than he was blown out of the relationship because he’s too frail… (Nature has no chills).. Lets hit the gym guys lest wind blows us away from our love entanglements…. (Love sick puppies would die on this day for  sure)

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Sure thing.. ignorance is bliss…!

Bring back our reading culture…. Because its extinction is on the horizon and these Asinine sapiens  will stop at nothing until they fill the world with a widespread species of cockamamie(s)  who would rather blow a haemoglobin enthralled phallus than blow minds with their intellect…! You might sound like a gentleman by saying the only thing you pull out  for a lady is a chair but please don’t bring forth babies you’ll end up feeding on guavas only… Because you still live at your parents house and a guava tree is all the inheritance you are assured of!  Open books… doors… as i open the fridge for more Food… Just don’t open your legs for every Tom dick and hurry to spray his stray bullets  as he voraciously anticipates to come to his senses!  That’s just nonsensical!  Am not saying you become a Nun either !

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©Marcel™

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25 Comments Add yours

  1. Maingi. says:

    Twas such a reality check Marcel. Wide their legs spread, such are the inswingers of coitus. Right now i advocate such, hope my Bae doesn’t do so either. Nice piece Marcel. Go getter.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. itsmarcel says:

      Maingi i appreciate your feedback and indeed you are always upholding the reading culture…. By now you are well nurtured

      Like

  2. writer dog says:

    HAHAHA => the other day i met this lady and and her face was all powdered up you’d think she is sponsored by a Cement Factory!

    That guy’s t-shirt though. SMH

    Liked by 1 person

    1. itsmarcel says:

      @writer dog that poor guy might be the nephew to to your cousins uncle….. The poor chap…!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Arita says:

    and if he pulls out a chair for me,i’ll consider his ‘pull out’ game strong!! No one wants to be Nerea

    Like

    1. itsmarcel says:

      Haha Arita…. Pulling out a chair on thing… Pulling out the head of a lorry from an ocean is another… It still remains a hard ordeal!

      Like

  4. Kui says:

    I read books and apply all the makeup in the kit too. I don’t get why dudes can be anti makeup. Good message although I disagree with some parts.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. itsmarcel says:

      Haha…. Enough makeup is just alright…. Too much will make men turn to the right after seeing you… Or maybe they left already?…

      Like

  5. Dee says:

    Dozens of fellas are scrambling to get into relationships so I can’t help but wonder if there’s free food in those ships called relation…….
    Awesome piece Marcel!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. itsmarcel says:

      Dee i appreciate you reading the piece… It gives me peace that my audience is reached….

      Like

  6. please don’t bring forth babies you’ll
    end up feeding on guavas only…preach brother preach…haha but you have been alil mean to the ladies but the exagerrated descriptions on fleek haha I couldn’t be mad at you..we really do need to work on our reading culture both ladies and gentlemen…now lemme look for my dictionary and check a few words haemoglobin entrhralled phallus…eish!!
    but a good read keep up 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. please don’t bring forth babies you’ll
    end up feeding on guavas only…preach brother preach!!!! ha-ha for a minute there I felt like you were picking on the ladies haha but the exaggerated descriptions just made them hillarious nothing to be mad about.and I do agree with you we need to really work on our reading culture both blowers and blowees hehe…now if you will excuse me I’ll fetch my dictionary …haemoglobin enthralled phallus
    but good read! love it! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. itsmarcel says:

      Haha chesharicynthia however exaggerated the truth couldn’t be further… An not a father yet, but lets not bring another mouth if we cant feed it… Haha grab your Dictionary my dear.. English has come home to roost and am hia to help you boost it too…

      Like

  8. Boboh says:

    Nice !!👊👊👊real talk right there….i stalked yu n came across this on yu profile n tjought i shud check it out!! It was surely not in vail!! Truestory swiri✌✌i loved it😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. itsmarcel says:

      I appreciate you reading it phyll… Now thats what i call having my back… Al continue scratching your back with more articles….

      Liked by 1 person

  9. George Owino says:

    And you fotgot to mention weaves that last 6 months on ladies’ you’d think it’s some good luck souvenir. This may be stale but believe me a smelly weave put me off a rather pretty chic. The government needs to ban weaves! That was my baby mama I let go because I couldn’t stand that stink.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. itsmarcel says:

      Haha… Its even further painfully tormenting if you spent your entire savings to sponsor her head with some Brazilian keratin enriched hair… Only for her to save some abhorring odour inside it…! This is the point you get to technically smell a rat!

      Like

      1. George Owino says:

        😂😂😂😂ati smell a rat? I’m so dine with your puns

        Liked by 1 person

      2. itsmarcel says:

        Could it really get any worse? Quite averse

        Like

      3. George Owino says:

        I totally agree.

        Like

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